Our Mantra
The next photo is the PROMPT. Remember, all photos are property of the photographer, donated for use in Friday Fictioneers only. They shouldn’t be used for any other purpose without express permission. It is proper etiquette to give the contributor credit.
PHOTO PROMPT © Ted Strutz
The following is an edited version of a poem I wrote in the 90’s while battling severe depression and anorexia nervosa which is about control. I thought I was in control but, almost too late, realized the demon was controlling me. To sort through my confusion I wrote poetry as a means of journaling. Happily, this is no longer my reality, but at the time…
Genre: Adverse Verse
Word Count: 100
VICIOUS CYCLE
Knotted cords surround my thoughts
Like twine that binds a package;
Profusion of convolution, confusion
No solution
Seeking resolution, absolution.
I’m choking
On the dry bread of shame.
And I’m left no choice
But to savagely purge myself.
Cathartic poison,
Painful comfort.
I run a perilous race
To a fatal finish line.
Lethal, venomous humiliation besieges me.
The sins of the forefathers,
Cousins, babysitters and uncles
Devour and bury.
The demon lures and captures me
In his serpentine embrace.
Too weary to resist seduction,
I relinquish and surrender.
Profusion of convolution, confusion
No solution
Seeking resolution, absolution
To what conclusion?
Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple 
That was visceral. Glad that you won your battles with the inner demons, Rochelle. Cheers, Varad
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Dear Varad,
When I look back on those times I’m filled with gratitude to be where I am today. Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Reblogged this on Reena Saxena.
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Thank you for the reblog, Reena.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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A very powerful construction! I’m glad that we can give it some credit for you being here, so that we can be here to enjoy it. (Even if it scares us.) 🙂
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Dear Archon,
I truly believed the demon would kill me long before I reached this stage of my life. Color me grateful. 😀 Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Wounds are the oxygen that feeds writing. I loved the “dry bread of shame” and the rapping repeat of the “ion” sound. Thank you for sharing this
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Dear Neil,
Or as another friend of mine used to say, it’s all grist for the mill. Either way, it works. I was also told by one of my mentors, to convey deep emotion to an audience, one has to feel it. I won’t say it was my pleasure to share it, but it needed to be shared. Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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A powerful poem: Which grew into a beautiful story teller.
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Thank you for such a sweet and thoughtful comment, Michael.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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My sister was anorexic for a time. This poem is pretty powerful with its imagery.
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Dear Al,
I hope this means that your sister was able to move on. It was a frightening time. Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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She was. She went on to have a couple of kids and now spends most of her time taking care of her horses and dogs.
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The way you’ve constructed this says as much as the words themselves. A powerful and thought-provoking piece.
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Thank you for your kind words, Keith.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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I found your poem moving and powerful, and honest. Thank you for sharing it.
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Dear Francine,
I really debated whether or not to share this one. It’s where my mind went when I saw the photo and I’ve always wondered if the poems I wrote at that time were any good. Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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You pain is alive in this one, Rochelle. The shadows may be distant, long, thin and straggly, but while we have a body, as long as there is light shining upon us, our shadows will haunt us.
Lovely and evocative writing. So heartfelt. So real. So you.
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Dear Kelvin,
When I wrote this, the pain was definitely alive. I’ve always wondered if the 300 some-odd poems I wrote during that time actually work in the literary sense. I’m currently in the early stages of a novel based on my experience and might use a few of these verses. Of course the main character will be an artist/writer.
But I digress…;) Thank you for your very thoughtful comment.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Dear Rochelle
Your digressions are always interesting and relevant.
Shalom
Kelvin
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So, so glad you’re healthy now!!!
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Me, too, Jan. 😉 Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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A powerful poem, Rochelle. Thank goodness you overcame those demons of despair. Some people in my family suffered from depression for years so I’ve seen it firsthand. It was a constant battle. I’m glad you won that battle. Good writing as always. —- Suzanne
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Dear Suzanne,
I think there are those of us who do have a propensity for depression. Perhaps we overthink and analyze. Couple that with childhood sexual abuse (or any kind of abuse) and you have a recipe for clinical depression and all that goes with it. Although I’ve won the battle with anorexia, the rest is an ongoing. 😉 Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments and understanding.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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One of the most powerful descriptions ever of what depression does to the heart, soul, and mind of the victim. I love this, Rochelle.
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Dear Linda,
I had a heated debate with myself over posting this. Now I’m glad I did. Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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I am sorry you had to go through this, Rochelle. But then again, I congratulate you on leaving it behind and emerging out victorious. This is the first time I have read a poem written by you.
So moving, I could feel the pain. I admire you and always will.
Best wishes,
Moon.
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Dear Moon,
Perhaps one day someone will receive hope from my writings. Thank you for your kind words.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Your poem expresses such fear, shame and helplessness. What an ugly demon it was! So glad you overcame it, Rochelle.
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Dear Magarisa,
At the time I wrote this I really didn’t see a way out. Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Dear Rochelle,
I’m so glad you pulled through the dreadful experience of anorexia, and I pray that you will continue to recover from the other struggles. Your poem tells us such a lot about what you went through, and how terrible it was. It is incredible – and desperately unfair – how the guilt that should be felt by those who perpetrate vile actions can be transferred to the victim. You’ve captured that powerfully.
On a technical note, in your unedited original, was there an extra repetition of
“Profusion of convolution, confusion
No solution
Seeking resolution, absolution.”
after
“To a fatal finish line.”?
Thank you for sharing your poem.
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Dear Penny,
The worst part of abuse, particularly when it’s a child is the guilt that goes with it. (This certainly applies to abused spouses, too…who have often been abused as children). The child is often told, “Don’t tell or you’ll get in trouble.” and the list goes on. I’m a firm believer in treatment centers and support groups where the victim can learn to overcome. It’s hard work and I don’t regret a minute of therapy.
As for the poem. No…there wasn’t extra repetition after “To a fatal finish line.”
Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Dear Rochelle
Thank you for satisfying my curiosity about the structure of the original poem.
Shalom shalom
Penny
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I connected your poem to all the wheels spinning to different rhythms
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Dear Bryan,
That’s pretty much where I went. Each of those wheels spinning out of control in their own vicious cycles. Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Yeah, nobody writes much happy poetry. This is gripping, especially the images. It’s good to look back and see where we were.
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Dear Josh,
Happy poetry? That’s like Dr. Seuss, right? I’m grateful that I’m alive to look BACK. 😉 Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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This is particularly emotional to me as well. It screams out depression, hopelessness and other emotional feelings that I also lived through with you. It is powerful but because you and I both lived through it, and not only survived…but thrived, it will hold a message of hope for others as well.
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Thank you for sticking by me. ❤
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Wow! I can definitely identify with your poem and note above. I read a book about a girl with anorexia, and came to the same conclusion: it is a demon that grips your mind and pours in condemnation.
I can so identify with your words about guilt and purging! Not over food issues; the demon that once gripped me just as hard was “You’ve said the wrong thing. Again!” Finally I was scared to say anything to anyone and if I did, I suffered terrible remorse after. Until the light dawned on me, as it has for you: this is a demon.
And your words, “sins of the…cousins, babysitters…” really punched me in the stomach. I needn’t say why, but have been there, too. Your post this morning has brought a few tears of memory — and thanks that we’ve both moved so far from those scenes. God bless you, dear lady.
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Dear Christine,
I’m sorry for the memories this dredged up for you. No one should have ‘those kinds’ to remember. 😦 Thank you for your encouraging comments.
Blessings and Shalom,
Rochelle
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Oh, my dearest, dearest Rochelle… this is a piece, a deep water poem. So beautiful and painful at the same time. I hear your cries… and, I am so very glad that you are better now! Sooooo very glad. (hugs!) a million times over.
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Dear Jelli
Thank you for the encouraging words and the hugs. ❤
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Very powerful piece, Rochelle. You put your heart, soul and your past into this. Beautifully done.
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Dear Sandra,
It was a dark time i’m glad to be able to look BACK on. Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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This is so extremely powerful… I hope maybe also the writing was part of the healing.. sometimes I think it is.
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Dear Björn,
During those times, writing and drawing my feelings were survival methods for me. In retrospect I do believe they were part of the healing. Perhaps, these writings will help someone else. Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Dear Rochelle,
How generous of you to share such an intimate and painful part of your history (I am so very glad I can say that) in such a raw yet poignant way.
You are an inspiration.
Lotsa love,
Dale xoxo
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Dear Dale,
You know the internal struggle I had about sharing this piece. It seems the right time. Perhaps my experiences and words from the past will help someone in the present. It’s still hard to look back on those times. Particularly in regard to my sons and how it effected them. Thanks for the thoughtful words and love.
Shalom <3,
Rochelle
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💜
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That’s some very strong poetry, Rochelle. The emotions are powerful.
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Dear Eric,
I’m glad the emotions came through. It was a dark time and good to able to look BACK. 😉 Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Thank you for sharing this very powerful poem with us. I’ve heard it said that we should face our inner demons and fear when writing and I’m so happy you’re in a good place now x
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Dear J.E.
Writing and drawing my feelings during that time helped me look at what was going on inside. Those demons are hard to face down and conquer. I’m not always sure I have. 😉 Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Something different and powerful Rochelle, loved the word choice and rhythm of the piece.
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Many thanks for your kind and thoughtful comments, Iain.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Ha! I’ll have to drive by and see if that’s still there. Gee, I wonder if we will see any sci-fi stories this week?
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Oh btw, interesting take on the prompt, Rochelle. A bit different. Adventurous, thoughtful, and I like it.
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There have already been a few sci-fis, Ted. Although not as many as I’d expect. I’m glad you stopped to read my story, too. 😉 Alas, it’s neither sci-fi nor fiction, but it is in the past tense. Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Nice Interpretation and license with the pic.
Scott
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Thank you, Scott.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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You are welcome.
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This week (through another medium) I learned that to be bold you must also be vulnerable and this poem has to be one of the most courageous pieces of literature i have ever read…because it is so real and because you are so real. Thank you.
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Dear Susan,
For a such a comment as yours I humbly say, thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Powerful poem.
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Thank you, J.A.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Looks like you have managed, and quite successfully at that, your inner demons. We, your ardent followers, are the beneficiaries of the changed persona that you have metamorphosed into. In fact this is your true self, the earlier just a bad interim. Your poem, cathartic, is beautiful and very touching, certainly beyond description.
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Dear Neel,
At the time I wrote most of these words (excluding this week’s updates) I never envisioned that I would have such a queue of international friends. I am grateful. Thank you for your uplifting comments that make my heart soar.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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I always thought that nobody could understand depression unless they experienced it themselves, but anyone reading your poem would have an idea of what it’s like.
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Dear Clare,
I couldn’t ask for a better comment. Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Excellent, raw and powerful. I liked the repetition. The layout and short sentences really add to the sense of desperation and confusion.
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Dear Ali,
At the time I wrote it as I saw it. Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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I can perfectly empathize..I have been through..nicely composed..loved the alliterations.
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Dear Balaka,
I’m sure many can empathize. I hope this means you’ve also worked through to the other side. ❤ Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Yes I did Rochelle. Thank you
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A poem about determination from a very determined woman.
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Thanks for such kind and encouraging words, Jane.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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And I meant every one.
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My sister suffered from bulimia and anorexia, too. Your poem captures the place that was both an escape and a prison. I’m grateful you broke free–what a blessings it is for all of us. I admire your honesty and willingness to share. It’s what makes you a beautiful writer and friend.
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Dear Jan,
Sadly the disorder is tough on everyone, the victim and her family. What I regret most is that I had children. I hope your sister has also broken free. Thank you for your kind words.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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What a powerful and haunting poem Rochelle. I’m so glad you were able to stare down your demons. Shalom.
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Dear Anurag,
It was no easy battle. Those demons are pretty stubborn. 😉 Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Thank you for honestly sharing what you went through, Rochelle. An eating disorder is the most destructive, warping of things – what should be a simple relationship between ourselves and what keeps us alive, tortures and torments us. I was bulimic at one time and the self loathing was indescribable – how I hated my own body, how it looked and felt to be inside myself. It’s taken a long time to be comfortable with me. I’m so glad that you got through this horrible condition and are as healthy and well as you are now. Thank you for these powerful words
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Dear Lynn,
I’m so sorry you went through that. It’s hard to convey to someone who doesn’t know what kind of hell we put ourselves through, isn’t it? I know my body image is still skewed but a damn sight better than it once was.
One of the most profound things I ever heard about an eating disorder was the comparison between our addiction and an alcoholic’s. Once in recovery, the alcoholic and lock up the tiger and throw away the key. Those of us who are recovering E.D’s have to take our tiger out and walk it three times a day.
I am grateful to look BACK on those horrible times and hope my words will encourage someone else in the midst of the nightmare.
Thank you.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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It’s wonderful that you did that – there’s so much shame surrounding eating disorders, our behaviours, losing control over such fundamental, basic needs. So right about alcohol vs food. I’m pleased to say those problems are many years behind me, but occasionally I can feel it, the revulsion at food and myself, the temptation to regain control by being overtly controlling over what goes inside my body.
Thank you again for sharing your story with such strong words.
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Dear “Skid Marks” Skivvies Hanes W(T)F,
It tooks so long to type your name, now I’ve forgotten what I was going to say! Oh, now I remember–your poem was somewhat of a tongue twister but I could see if becoming a song. So glad you recovered from that terrible road and took up bus driving and cat herding. You’re a mini Ralph Kramden if I ever saw one.
Do undies with holes dry faster than those without? Curious minds want to know.
Fruit of the Looming Hole
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Dear FOTLH,
He who giveth the name should not complain. :p To da moon and thanks for being the class clown. I’d be a nameless chelle without you.
Shalom,
“Skid Marks” Skivvies Hanes W(T)F
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Well done for beating the demons revealed in your troubled verse.
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Many thanks, Liz. It’s been worth the fight.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Woah… you are one heck of a poet Rochelle. I’m so sorry you were caught by that souless monster but you fought and won. We are so lucky to have you!
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Dear Laurie,
I’ve always wondered if those poems I wrote back in the day were worthy in the literary sense. Thank you for your sweet and encouraging words. I’ve never regretted taking on Friday Fictioneers and I feel pretty lucky. 😀
Shalom,
Rochelle
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WOW!!!! just wow!!! ‘Nuf said.
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Dear Lish,
Wow is good. 😉 Thank you. 😀
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Rochelle thank you for sharing such a powerful piece that puts the reader inside the mind of the sufferer and you allowed us for a brief moment to experience the inner turmoil and pain your were suffering with anorexia. I’m also glad that you fought the battle and won. That is a really tough road that many don’t make to the end. I’m so happy that you did for your sake and because we would have lost a talent if you hadn’t. Thank you for sharing. I hope your New Year is happy and safe. Cheers Irene
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Dear Irene,
I so appreciate your supportive comments. Thank you. I hope your New Year is also happy and safe.
Blessings and Shalom,
Rochelle
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the pain was so real. i could feel it. glad you were able to move on.
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Thank you, Plaridel. 😀
Shalom,
Rochelle
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I am more impressed that you were able to battle through, batting away the demons of depression.
I have news for you. I have gone through it 3 times and come out. IT involved a lot of forgiving, letting go and valuing my freedom from research MORE THAN anything else including revenge!
Wonder if it is a common ailment among thinking writers!
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Dear Sabina,
As we were fond of saying in treatment, “Recovery is a process, not an event.” Depression is one that never completely goes away. I think that writers, artists and performers are deep thinkers. As it was put to me once, “To convey deep feelings in these mediums, one must first feel them.” It’s a gift that often feels like a curse. 😉 I’m glad you’ve found healing and are helping others find it as well. Thank you.
Shalom,
Rchelle
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I was watching ‘To the bone’ yesterday – it’s a movie on victims of anorexia..and I could so hear your desperation through your words!
Heartrending!
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Dear Shilpa,
As anorexics, the overweening thought is that while everything in our lives is out of control we can control what goes in our mouths. Then one day you realize you have control over nothing, particularly food. Thank you for your thoughtful comments.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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On a technical side an excellently constructed poem Rochelle, so powerful and illuminating for us who have had the fortune not to suffer in this way. I can only try to understand. Emotionally it’s as powerful a piece as I’ve ever read. Glad you came through such a dark period.
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Dear Michael,
Thank you for that technical encouragement. Basically, I wrote my thoughts in free verse without any thought to form. A purist might look askance but this was my form of journaling.;) Thank you also for your kind words.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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You’re welcome as always
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I could feel your pain through this piece, and I am so sorry for what you must have endured. I also understand. Some demons are near to impossible to kill and many times it can be a life long battle. I’m happy you recovered!
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Dear Brenda,
Some of the pain was self inflicted while some came from those spiritual people we discussed on another blog. 😉 I don’t blame them so much, they really didn’t understand. There are some demons I do fight on a daily basis, but don’t we all. At any rate thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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We all certainly have daily struggles, though not everyone wishes to be honest about them. I am truly sorry that you were hurt and did not receive compassion and support. Sending a heartfelt wish for a happy, blessed 2018! =)
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This… This wins the internet for the day.
It is so hard to put depression into words, or full thoughts for so many of us, I for one am glad you were able to overcome and conquer such nasty demons.
I do hope like demons don’t come around anymore, or are easily beat when they do. 😀 Have a lovely New Year!
♥ Sin
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Dear Sin,
Thank you for such a stellarly affirming comment. Happy New Year to you, too.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Awww my poor Rochelle. That hurts my heart, it’s so raw.
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Dear Dawn,
I can share these things now because they are in the past. Thank you so much. ❤
Shalom,
Rochelle
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I still think it is brave of you to do so.
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Depression, the agony of it is not stranger to me. When I was nineteen I attempted suicide. So thankful for the healing that came from hard work and a desire to get well. Powerful poetry, so expressive of the pain one suffers in depression.
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Dear Susie,
I’m glad you overcame your demons and went onto write. Thank you for your insightful comments.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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This was so raw and real I too felt entangled and choked up in the hopelessness of the situation. Needless to say very well penned and so glad you could break free – speaks of immense strength of character 🙂
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And wish you a Happy New Year Rochelle!
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Dear Dahlia,
Your encouraging words are very sweet to my eyes. I look back on those days with different eyes now and know they were for a reason. Thank you. And Happy New Year to you and your family as well.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Depression and anxiety really does make you feel as if you’re in the grip of a demon. The critical voice that follows you around, one you cannot escape from. The despair is endless. For me it felt like a storm in my head too. I totally relate to this poem, and I understand your reluctancy to share it. Those with depression tend to hide it well and are ashamed of it, and the things they do to cope (Self-harm, over eating etc). For me, they are some of the bravest people in the world, they fight a huge battle everyday to survive. The fact that you published it here is a good sign that it is firmly in the past now for you. Thank you for sharing this! You never know who might read this and touch an isolated soul. Could save a life.
Happy New Year!
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Dear Fatima,
I’m pleased (?) my words rang true. Not pleased that you related that well. I do hope that my writings about my experience will help someone else. At the time I wrote the original draft of this poem I only saw one way out. Glad I didn’t take that route and glad you didn’t either. Thank you for your thoughtful and incredibly affirming comments. A Happy New Year to You as well .
Shalom…peace in the truest sense.
Rochelle
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Dear Rochelle, the best thing is you are at your best now. So much talent.
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Dear Indira,
Thank you for your sweet comments. I look back on those days and am so glad the beast didn’t win.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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