29 December 2017

Published December 27, 2017 by rochellewisoff

 

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The following is an edited version of a poem I wrote in the 90’s while battling severe depression and anorexia nervosa which is about control. I thought I was in control but, almost too late, realized the demon was controlling me.  To sort through my confusion I wrote poetry as a means of journaling. Happily, this is no longer my reality, but at the time…

Genre: Adverse Verse

Word Count: 100

VICIOUS CYCLE

Knotted cords surround my thoughts

Like twine that binds a package;

Profusion of convolution, confusion

No solution

Seeking resolution, absolution.

            I’m choking

                        On the dry bread of shame.

And I’m left no choice

But to savagely purge myself.

Cathartic poison,

Painful comfort.

I run a perilous race

To a fatal finish line.

Lethal, venomous humiliation besieges me.

The sins of the forefathers,

Cousins, babysitters and uncles  

Devour and bury.

The demon lures and captures me

In his serpentine embrace.

Too weary to resist seduction,

I relinquish and surrender.

Profusion of convolution, confusion

            No solution

Seeking resolution, absolution

To what conclusion?

 

121 comments on “29 December 2017

    • Dear Neil,

      Or as another friend of mine used to say, it’s all grist for the mill. Either way, it works. I was also told by one of my mentors, to convey deep emotion to an audience, one has to feel it. I won’t say it was my pleasure to share it, but it needed to be shared. Thank you.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Liked by 3 people

    • Dear Francine,

      I really debated whether or not to share this one. It’s where my mind went when I saw the photo and I’ve always wondered if the poems I wrote at that time were any good. Thank you.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Like

  • A powerful poem, Rochelle. Thank goodness you overcame those demons of despair. Some people in my family suffered from depression for years so I’ve seen it firsthand. It was a constant battle. I’m glad you won that battle. Good writing as always. —- Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Suzanne,

      I think there are those of us who do have a propensity for depression. Perhaps we overthink and analyze. Couple that with childhood sexual abuse (or any kind of abuse) and you have a recipe for clinical depression and all that goes with it. Although I’ve won the battle with anorexia, the rest is an ongoing. 😉 Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments and understanding.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Liked by 1 person

  • I am sorry you had to go through this, Rochelle. But then again, I congratulate you on leaving it behind and emerging out victorious. This is the first time I have read a poem written by you.
    So moving, I could feel the pain. I admire you and always will.
    Best wishes,
    Moon.

    Liked by 1 person

  • Dear Rochelle,
    I’m so glad you pulled through the dreadful experience of anorexia, and I pray that you will continue to recover from the other struggles. Your poem tells us such a lot about what you went through, and how terrible it was. It is incredible – and desperately unfair – how the guilt that should be felt by those who perpetrate vile actions can be transferred to the victim. You’ve captured that powerfully.
    On a technical note, in your unedited original, was there an extra repetition of

    “Profusion of convolution, confusion
    No solution
    Seeking resolution, absolution.”

    after

    “To a fatal finish line.”?

    Thank you for sharing your poem.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Dear Penny,

      The worst part of abuse, particularly when it’s a child is the guilt that goes with it. (This certainly applies to abused spouses, too…who have often been abused as children). The child is often told, “Don’t tell or you’ll get in trouble.” and the list goes on. I’m a firm believer in treatment centers and support groups where the victim can learn to overcome. It’s hard work and I don’t regret a minute of therapy.
      As for the poem. No…there wasn’t extra repetition after “To a fatal finish line.”

      Thank you.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Like

  • This is particularly emotional to me as well. It screams out depression, hopelessness and other emotional feelings that I also lived through with you. It is powerful but because you and I both lived through it, and not only survived…but thrived, it will hold a message of hope for others as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  • Wow! I can definitely identify with your poem and note above. I read a book about a girl with anorexia, and came to the same conclusion: it is a demon that grips your mind and pours in condemnation.

    I can so identify with your words about guilt and purging! Not over food issues; the demon that once gripped me just as hard was “You’ve said the wrong thing. Again!” Finally I was scared to say anything to anyone and if I did, I suffered terrible remorse after. Until the light dawned on me, as it has for you: this is a demon.

    And your words, “sins of the…cousins, babysitters…” really punched me in the stomach. I needn’t say why, but have been there, too. Your post this morning has brought a few tears of memory — and thanks that we’ve both moved so far from those scenes. God bless you, dear lady.

    Liked by 1 person

  • Oh, my dearest, dearest Rochelle… this is a piece, a deep water poem. So beautiful and painful at the same time. I hear your cries… and, I am so very glad that you are better now! Sooooo very glad. (hugs!) a million times over.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Björn,

      During those times, writing and drawing my feelings were survival methods for me. In retrospect I do believe they were part of the healing. Perhaps, these writings will help someone else. Thank you.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Like

  • Dear Rochelle,

    How generous of you to share such an intimate and painful part of your history (I am so very glad I can say that) in such a raw yet poignant way.

    You are an inspiration.

    Lotsa love,

    Dale xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  • This week (through another medium) I learned that to be bold you must also be vulnerable and this poem has to be one of the most courageous pieces of literature i have ever read…because it is so real and because you are so real. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Neel,

      At the time I wrote most of these words (excluding this week’s updates) I never envisioned that I would have such a queue of international friends. I am grateful. Thank you for your uplifting comments that make my heart soar.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Like

  • My sister suffered from bulimia and anorexia, too. Your poem captures the place that was both an escape and a prison. I’m grateful you broke free–what a blessings it is for all of us. I admire your honesty and willingness to share. It’s what makes you a beautiful writer and friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  • Thank you for honestly sharing what you went through, Rochelle. An eating disorder is the most destructive, warping of things – what should be a simple relationship between ourselves and what keeps us alive, tortures and torments us. I was bulimic at one time and the self loathing was indescribable – how I hated my own body, how it looked and felt to be inside myself. It’s taken a long time to be comfortable with me. I’m so glad that you got through this horrible condition and are as healthy and well as you are now. Thank you for these powerful words

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Lynn,

      I’m so sorry you went through that. It’s hard to convey to someone who doesn’t know what kind of hell we put ourselves through, isn’t it? I know my body image is still skewed but a damn sight better than it once was.

      One of the most profound things I ever heard about an eating disorder was the comparison between our addiction and an alcoholic’s. Once in recovery, the alcoholic and lock up the tiger and throw away the key. Those of us who are recovering E.D’s have to take our tiger out and walk it three times a day.

      I am grateful to look BACK on those horrible times and hope my words will encourage someone else in the midst of the nightmare.
      Thank you.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s wonderful that you did that – there’s so much shame surrounding eating disorders, our behaviours, losing control over such fundamental, basic needs. So right about alcohol vs food. I’m pleased to say those problems are many years behind me, but occasionally I can feel it, the revulsion at food and myself, the temptation to regain control by being overtly controlling over what goes inside my body.
        Thank you again for sharing your story with such strong words.

        Liked by 1 person

  • Dear “Skid Marks” Skivvies Hanes W(T)F,

    It tooks so long to type your name, now I’ve forgotten what I was going to say! Oh, now I remember–your poem was somewhat of a tongue twister but I could see if becoming a song. So glad you recovered from that terrible road and took up bus driving and cat herding. You’re a mini Ralph Kramden if I ever saw one.

    Do undies with holes dry faster than those without? Curious minds want to know.
    Fruit of the Looming Hole

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Laurie,

      I’ve always wondered if those poems I wrote back in the day were worthy in the literary sense. Thank you for your sweet and encouraging words. I’ve never regretted taking on Friday Fictioneers and I feel pretty lucky. 😀

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Liked by 1 person

  • Rochelle thank you for sharing such a powerful piece that puts the reader inside the mind of the sufferer and you allowed us for a brief moment to experience the inner turmoil and pain your were suffering with anorexia. I’m also glad that you fought the battle and won. That is a really tough road that many don’t make to the end. I’m so happy that you did for your sake and because we would have lost a talent if you hadn’t. Thank you for sharing. I hope your New Year is happy and safe. Cheers Irene

    Liked by 1 person

  • I am more impressed that you were able to battle through, batting away the demons of depression.
    I have news for you. I have gone through it 3 times and come out. IT involved a lot of forgiving, letting go and valuing my freedom from research MORE THAN anything else including revenge!
    Wonder if it is a common ailment among thinking writers!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Sabina,

      As we were fond of saying in treatment, “Recovery is a process, not an event.” Depression is one that never completely goes away. I think that writers, artists and performers are deep thinkers. As it was put to me once, “To convey deep feelings in these mediums, one must first feel them.” It’s a gift that often feels like a curse. 😉 I’m glad you’ve found healing and are helping others find it as well. Thank you.

      Shalom,

      Rchelle

      Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Shilpa,

      As anorexics, the overweening thought is that while everything in our lives is out of control we can control what goes in our mouths. Then one day you realize you have control over nothing, particularly food. Thank you for your thoughtful comments.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Liked by 1 person

  • On a technical side an excellently constructed poem Rochelle, so powerful and illuminating for us who have had the fortune not to suffer in this way. I can only try to understand. Emotionally it’s as powerful a piece as I’ve ever read. Glad you came through such a dark period.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Brenda,

      Some of the pain was self inflicted while some came from those spiritual people we discussed on another blog. 😉 I don’t blame them so much, they really didn’t understand. There are some demons I do fight on a daily basis, but don’t we all. At any rate thank you for your thoughtful comment.

      Shalom,

      Rochelle

      Liked by 1 person

      • We all certainly have daily struggles, though not everyone wishes to be honest about them. I am truly sorry that you were hurt and did not receive compassion and support. Sending a heartfelt wish for a happy, blessed 2018! =)

        Like

  • This… This wins the internet for the day.
    It is so hard to put depression into words, or full thoughts for so many of us, I for one am glad you were able to overcome and conquer such nasty demons.
    I do hope like demons don’t come around anymore, or are easily beat when they do. 😀 Have a lovely New Year!
    ♥ Sin

    Liked by 1 person

  • This was so raw and real I too felt entangled and choked up in the hopelessness of the situation. Needless to say very well penned and so glad you could break free – speaks of immense strength of character 🙂

    Like

  • Depression and anxiety really does make you feel as if you’re in the grip of a demon. The critical voice that follows you around, one you cannot escape from. The despair is endless. For me it felt like a storm in my head too. I totally relate to this poem, and I understand your reluctancy to share it. Those with depression tend to hide it well and are ashamed of it, and the things they do to cope (Self-harm, over eating etc). For me, they are some of the bravest people in the world, they fight a huge battle everyday to survive. The fact that you published it here is a good sign that it is firmly in the past now for you. Thank you for sharing this! You never know who might read this and touch an isolated soul. Could save a life.
    Happy New Year!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Fatima,

      I’m pleased (?) my words rang true. Not pleased that you related that well. I do hope that my writings about my experience will help someone else. At the time I wrote the original draft of this poem I only saw one way out. Glad I didn’t take that route and glad you didn’t either. Thank you for your thoughtful and incredibly affirming comments. A Happy New Year to You as well .

      Shalom…peace in the truest sense.

      Rochelle

      Like

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