Humor

All posts in the Humor category

BLIND DATE

Published December 8, 2016 by rochellewisoff
PHOTO PTOMPT © Lucy Fridkin

PHOTO PROMPT © Lucy Fridkin

This is an absolute first for me! I’ve never posted a second Friday Fictioneers story. However, after reading Kent Bonham’s STOOD UP? and the ensuing comments between readers and author, it seemed to cry out for the other side of the story. Maybe it’s all those plummy Hallmark channel holiday movies, but here’s my take.

Genre: Romantic Fiction

Word Count: 100

BLIND DATE?

            John came into the café at least twice a week. Julie looked forward to his wit and comfortable repartee.  

            He checked his watch for the fifth time. The disappointment in his eyes made Julie ache as she poured his water.

            “Perhaps she got hung up in traffic.”

            “Nah. Stood up again.”

            Maybe there was something she could do after all—for both of them. Heart pounding, Julie made an excuse about her shift ending and dashed to the back room to change.

            John’s mouth dropped when she returned and squeezed his hand. “Sorry, I’m late. I had to work.”

 

Every Village Has One – An Interview with Russell Gayer

Published December 2, 2016 by rochellewisoff

russell-in-plaid

Like Benjamin Franklin, Russell Gayer spent most of his adult life in the printing industry, except for three years in which he was a framing carpenter. During that time he’s been honing skills that his wife, Connie, has made sure come in handy ever since. 

His collection humorous short stories, THE PERILS OF HEAVY THINKING, is available at Pen-L.com, Barns & Noble.com and Amazon.com.

Russell is the resident humorist of Friday Fictioneers who, every week, manages to pull laughter from the most somber photo prompt.

You may ask (or not ask) what makes Mr. Gayer tick? I did ask. Here are the answers:

 

What made you decide to be a writer?

I’m not sure it was a conscious choice. I began writing songs and poetry at an early age. I have written over 200 poems. The majority of them were pretty somber or serious stuff. I gave our neighbor, Linda Apple, a book containing some of my poems and short stories about ten years ago, and she invited me to attend a local critique group with her. Several people in that group were published authors who were willing to give of their time to help us “rookies” grow and improve. It was a very nurturing environment and I’m extremely grateful for their guidance and support.

What is your favorite genre? Why?

My favorite genre to write is humor. We live in a very fast-paced world filled with pressure, tension, and stress. People need an escape from that. Sometimes a little silliness is just what the doctor ordered. When people tell me they laughed out loud or snorted coffee out their nose while reading my work, I feel like I’ve touched them in a positive way and perhaps replaced some of that stress with joy, if only briefly.

I’m fascinated by near-death experience books. I find these stories encouraging and supportive of my spiritual beliefs—sort of an affirmation of faith—if you will.

Who is the author who inspires you the most?

My “go to guys” in the humor field are Patrick McManus, Dave Barry, and David Sedaris. Sedaris is more subtle in his approach to humor, but still very funny. I’m also a huge fan of Mel Brooks and Gene Wilder.

In addition to enjoying the story, I study the structure of their work. Their characters, how they set up a scene, use of dialogue and narration, any little thing that can help me become a better story teller. russell-in-coveralls

How often do you write?

I write something every day. Weekdays, I get up at 5 am and write for an hour. It could be on a story, or reading and commenting on blogs. When I go hunting, I take a pad and pen and write in the woods. Some of my most productive periods have occurred in the woods.

I am also what people in my writing group call a “Pantser,” meaning someone who doesn’t diagram out a story before they write, but simply flies by the seat of their pants.

Do you have any major projects in the works?

I’ve been working on ONE VILLAGE SHORT OF AN IDIOT for over a year now. This title was originally used in a Friday Flash Fiction post in October 2015. When I decided to turn the concept into a longer piece, I envisioned something in the neighborhood of 5,000 words. As of today, we’re at 29,000+ and counting. The characters have taken over the story on numerous occasions and created scenes that I never anticipated or would have thought of on my own. It’s been a real blast to write, as I never know what’s going to happen next.

What are your writing goals for the future?

I have a dozen other short stories lying around impatiently waiting for me to finish the Idiot saga. Hopefully, I’ll wrap that one up and hand them all off to Pen-L Publishing shortly after New Year’s. I was hoping for an April Fools book release, but that doesn’t seem too realistic at the moment.

What advice would you give other writers?

Write what you love. Be observant and study the work of others. Hone and polish your craft. Join a critique group and find a beta reader who will provide open and honest feedback. Attend writers’ conferences and rub elbows with published authors.

russell-and-mark-twainI’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes.

“The difference between the almost right word and the right word is… the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.” — Mark Twain

(This quote copied from fellow OWL member Lori Ericson’s blog) https://loriericson.com/2016/09/18/every-word-is-a-choice-and-opportunity/

 

2 December 2016

Published November 30, 2016 by rochellewisoff

 

Blue Ceiling FF

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The next photo is the PROMPT. Remember, all photos are property of the photographer, donated for use in Friday Fictioneers only. They shouldn’t be used for any other purpose without express permission. It is proper etiquette to give the contributor credit. 

PHOTO PROMPT © Jan Wayne Fields

PHOTO PROMPT © Jan Wayne Fields

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Genre: Realistic Fiction

Word Count: 100

THE ELEVENTH COMMANDMENT

            In preparation for his bar mitzvah, twelve-year-old Harvey Weinstein opened the book to his parashah. His stomach rumbled. “I’m hungry.”

            “Sh’mot beginning with Chapter 16,” said Rabbi Shmuel. “First in English, then Hebrew.”

            Harvey fumed. “I’m tired of Torah. I’d rather play Xbox.”

            “This is the perfect reading for you.” The rabbi winked and pointed to the page. “The children of Israel kvetched day and night in the wilderness. ‘Oy, Moses, we’re wet. We’re cold. We’re starving to death.’ Nu? Is there something we can we learn from them?”

            “Yeah.” Folding his arms across his chest, Harvey smirked. “Jews don’t camp.”

 

What can I say? 

25 November 2016

Published November 23, 2016 by rochellewisoff

Prom Night 1971 Enlargement

(This year, November 28th, marks our 45th wedding anniversary. And our parents didn’t think we’d last 6 months. 😉 )

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The next photo is the PROMPT. Remember, all photos are property of the photographer, donated for use in Friday Fictioneers only. They shouldn’t be used for any other purpose without express permission. It is proper etiquette to give the contributor credit. 

PHOTO PROMPT © CEayr

PHOTO PROMPT © CEayr

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Genre: Hysterical Fiction

Word Count: 99

FOR LOVE OF DIBROMINDIGO

“What are you wearing to the party tonight?” he asked.

“My purple dress.”

“Could you be more specific? Almost everything in your closet is purple.”

“It’s the color of royalty.” She clicked on Wikipedia. “The ancient Phoenicians prized it as early as 1570 BC. Phoenicia means ‘Land of Purple.’”

He rolled his eyes. “Of course it does.”

“Billions of sea snails have given their lives to produce the dye. According to historians it fetched its weight in silver in Colophon in Asia Minor. The Romans used it for their ceremonial robes.”

“So that means you’re wearing…”

“…my purple dress.”

Dibromindigo is the major component in Tyrian purple.

Dibromindigo is the major component in Tyrian purple.

Charging up for next time!

I couldn’t resist including this.

It’s also my default ringtone. 😉

If you missed my interview on the The Writer’s Block Radio Show, click to listen. 

21 October 2016

Published October 19, 2016 by rochellewisoff

ANNOUNCING  GREAT NEWS!!!

Alicia Jamtaas has been published! Her short story, “A Private Death” has been included in the fall issue of  “Sweet Tree Review.” aliciaWay to go Alicia!

Friday Fictioneers Farm Path

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The next photo is the PROMPT. Remember, all photos are property of the photographer, donated for use in Friday Fictioneers only. They shouldn’t be used for any other purpose without express permission. It is proper etiquette to give the contributor credit. 

 

PHOTO PROMPT © Claire Fuller

PHOTO PROMPT © Claire Fuller

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Genre: Anecdote

Word Count: 100

PENNY-ANTE

            Sunday was “Fan Tan” night when I was eight. My family played the card game for pennies.    

            “Where’s that seven of hearts?” Dad tossed a copper on the table with mock disgust. “Shelly? You only have one card left?”

            “The little brat’s got it,” said my fourteen-year-old brother pitching his coin.

            I batted my eyelashes. “Why, Jeffrey, whatever do you mean?” With a dramatic flourish, I laid down the seven. “I win!”

            It’s not the victories I remember as much as the unprecedented peace between my parents, my father’s relentless teasing, and laughing so hard I nearly wet my pants.

.

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.jeff-and-rochelle-circa-1960-with-border

14 October 2016

Published October 12, 2016 by rochellewisoff

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Another Highway

The next photo is the PROMPT. Remember, all photos are property of the photographer, donated for use in Friday Fictioneers only. They shouldn’t be used for any other purpose without express permission. It is proper etiquette to give the contributor credit. 

PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

PHOTO PROMPT © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

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Genre: Hysterical Faction

Word count: 100

For a few of us, Wednesday, 12 October 2016, is not only Friday Fictioneers but also Yom Kippur, the highest of Jewish holy days. For that reason, I’ve taken the liberty of rerunning the following story from April 3, 2013. A handful of  you might remember the prompt and even have a story you want to repeat. 

Click Here to see the original post.

The Ashamnu  is a traditional prayer of repentance  recited on Yom Kippur, the Jewish highest of holy days or day of atonement. The word “ah-SHAM-nu” means we are guilty or we have sinned.  

ASHAMNU

             Rhoda cast furtive glances in all directions, inhaled throat-burning smoke, held it, and then exhaled, handing the joint to Marcus.

            “Don’t be so paranoid.” His bloodshot eyes glittered.

            Candles illuminated the corners of his darkened bedroom. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida blared from the stereo and patchouli incense tickled her nose.

            After they’d downed an entire bag of chips, Marcus plopped his yarmulke on his head.

            “So much for fasting. Let’s get back before they miss us.”

            Side-by-side they sneaked into the synagogue and giggled through repentance prayers.

            Every year afterward, when Rhoda dutifully attended services, she chuckled as she recalled the “High” Holiday.

.

.

Original Artwork from 1971 © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

Original Artwork from 1971 © Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

15 April 2016

Published April 13, 2016 by rochellewisoff

Thoreau NZ birds

Phriday Phictioneers Phone

The following photo is the PROMPT. Keep in mind that all photos are the property of the contributor, therefore copyrighted and require express permission to use for purposes other than Friday Fictioneers. Giving credit to whom credit is due is proper etiquette.

***************************************NOTICE****************************************************************************

Dear Friday Fictioneers,

Our fellow fictioneer CEAYR asked that I extend his apologies for his lack of participation of late. While he doesn’t mean to be rude, our friend is dealing with physical issues that prevent him from being more involved.

Thank you for understanding.

Shalom,

Rochelle

*******************************************************************************************************************************

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Genre: Fact and Fiction

Word Count: 100

SOURCE OF KNOWLEDGE 

“‘…The taller officer, an imposing presence with dark skin, fascinated Havah. Although she had read about them in Professor Dietrich’s books about Africa and American history, she had never met a Negro face to face.’”

“What year does your book take place?”  

“1904.”  

“I hate to burst your bubble,” says my fellow writer with smug conviction. “I realize it’s historical fiction but I seriously doubt there would’ve been a black officer back then.”

I whip out my Kansas City history book and point to a photo of uniformed Lafayette Tillman on horseback. “Second one on the KC force. Next question.”

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.

.

KCTillman

https://rochellewisofffields.wordpress.com/2015/11/10/character-study-lafayette-a-tillman/

 

1 April 2016

Published March 30, 2016 by rochellewisoff

Thoreau Mugs

Friday Fictioneers and Poppy

The following photo is the PROMPT. Keep in mind that all photos are the property of the contributor, therefore copyrighted and require express permission to use for purposes other than Friday Fictioneers. Giving credit to whom credit is due is proper etiquette. 

Please make an effort to stay within the suggested word count. While 50 to 100 words over the limit might not seem like much  to the writer, in the context of reading up a hundred stories, it’s a little inconsiderate. Use your imagination and pare it down. It can be done and you might be surprised at how few words you need to create a scene or tell a story.

PHOTO PROMPT © Marie Gail Stratford

PHOTO PROMPT © Marie Gail Stratford

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Genre: Hysterical Non-Fiction

Word Count: 100

PREMIER SALES DITCH

“Everyone gets a facial.” My friend Jennifer’s voice crackled with enthusiasm through the phone. “It’s great fun and you can make a ton of money.”

That night, at a rah-rah recruiting meeting as her fresh meat du jour special guest, I swallowed the hook.

__________

Pink Cadillacs sped along my mind’s highway as I arrived at my first skincare party.

Setting Styrofoam sample trays before potential customers, I touted my product’s miraculous benefits. “A hide tanner discovered the formula.”

One dainty lady dipped her fingertip into the moisturizer and frowned. “You expect me to put this shit on my face?”  

***

I recently did a blog interview with Deborah Kalb. To read it, click HERE

19 February 2016

Published February 17, 2016 by rochellewisoff

Another Hightway

Blue Ceiling FF

The following photo is the PROMPT. Keep in mind that all photos are the property of the contributor, therefore copyrighted and require express permission to use for purposes other than Friday Fictioneers. Giving credit to whom credit is due is proper etiquette. 

Please be considerate and make an effort to stay within the suggested word count. 

PHOTO PROMPT - © Sandra Crook

PHOTO PROMPT – © Sandra Crook

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Genre: Hysterical Non-Fiction

Word Count: 100

THE DIMENSION OF IMAGINATION

            The hourglass photo prompt taunts me. “You call yourself an author?” 

            Bits of flotsam swirl through my mind. Or is it jetsam? I get them confused.

            There’s always my go-to theme. “I’ll take historical fiction for a hundred, Alex.”

            Surfing the internet for ‘history of clocks,’ my findings are less exciting than watching oatmeal simmer.

            Jim Croce saved time in a bottle and Steve Miller sang, “Time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future.”

            Sand trickles through the witch’s hourglass.  

            “This, my little pretty, is how much time you have left and it isn’t long. Make every word count.”   

 

Next Year it’s the Beach

Published January 18, 2016 by rochellewisoff

For the first time in over forty years we broke with Jan’s family tradition and left town for Christmas. I take the blame for this. Because our children are grown and scattered to the three winds—we only have three sons—and have commitments, no one could come home.

Not wanting to endure another dismal holiday like 2014, this pushy Jewish mom invited herself to Chicago to spend it with our youngest son Christian. To my joy, my suggestion was met with enthusiasm from both my son and his fiancée, the lovely Sarah Adams.

Our flight out the Wednesday before was uneventful and short. When we arrived at the kids’ apartment we were met with a beautifully set table of fruit, veggies, cheese and wine and hugs.

Food is always a challenge when we travel because of my annoying dietary issues. Sarah went out of her way to accommodate. She made such things as gluten free blueberry pancakes and lactose and gluten free macaroni and cheese.

Twins cooking

Sarah cooking

I won’t bore my readers with all of the details but will try to hit the high points, the top of which would have to be spending time with the kids, Sarah in particular. If a mother could handpick a woman for her son in this day and age, she would be my choice. She’s a talented artist as you can see in the picture below—only a small example of what she’s capable of.

Fields Family in Sarah's kitchen

The pinnacle for me came when she opened my present to them, a watercolor portrait I did from a photo I snapped last summer. Sarah cried and said that no one had done artwork for her before. She’s always been on the giving end of that.

The piano

Saturday following Christmas I met for lunch with Annie Milne, a friend from high school and before. It’s been at least twenty years since we last spoke in person. Since both of us have food problems, we ate at a nearby restaurant called Lyfe’s Kitchen where we inundated the server with questions and instructions. Silly though it may seem, we both enjoyed not being ‘the only one.’

Annie and Me in Lyfe's Kitchen

Our lunch lasted four hours and it wasn’t long enough.

Love on the Purple Line

Sunday night we took the EL downtown to meet with Sarah’s twin Katie and her boyfriend Sebastian and few others for supper. As we boarded the train on the Purple Line we were greeted by a woman named Lauren, who like me, was also wearing all purple. We chatted a bit and I mentioned my blog ‘Addicted to Purple.’ She said, “I’ve read that.”

Purple Line

I found that Lauren’s also a writer and enjoys blog challenges. I expect to see her for Friday Fictioneers in the near future.

Within ten minutes of her departure, my phone sounded the WordPress chime. Lauren followed my blog, liked my ‘About Rochelle’ page and left a message saying how nice it was to meet me.

You can find her here. 

Throughout the week Jan and I enjoyed the fact that while it was a little damp and cold, it hadn’t snowed.

            “If I’d known, I would’ve driven,” he kept saying. “We could’ve saved plane fare.”

Perhaps he tempted the Fates once too often. Monday morning the national news was filled with icy snowy forecasts between Chicago and Kansas City. Naturally this was the morning we were scheduled to fly home.

The airport was packed. Check in wasn’t terrible, although Jan was divested of the port wine cheese in his carry on—an unopened, sealed tub. After that we managed to find seats at our gate. Boarding time was delayed by about thirty minutes. Not terrible. Right? Wrong. Once we seated, we waited on the tarmac while they de-iced the plane.

Two rows ahead of us a woman took out her knitting. Jan turned to me and said, “Those ten inch knitting needles are much safer than my cheese.”

The pilot kept us abreast of everything causing our delay. The plane was overweight so there was discussion about unloading some of the baggage as we were carrying baggage from some other delayed or cancelled flights. An hour later, our pilot said he’d “won the argument” and no one and nothing would be bumped.

We finally took off at 10:46, a mere two hours past our original takeoff time. As we came into Kansas City we had to circle the airport to burn excess fuel. There’s logic to that, right?

At last we landed on terra not-so-firma. We came into ice and snow. After sitting for about 45 minutes, the pilot informs us that the jet bridge at our gate is frozen so we’ll have to move to another gate. Mind you, by this time everyone is standing with their carry-ons at the ready. We sat once more. Another forty-five minutes or so pass as the plane rocks gently back and forth. The pilot explains that he’s trying to get enough traction on the ice to take us to the other gate. I think this is where I dropped my head into my hands. It was either laugh or cry.

MCI Lot

Once we finally deplaned and gathered our luggage we were met with yet another challenge. Our car was frozen shut and we had no ice scraper. Snow continued to fall. After a white knuckle ride home that took another couple of hours we rolled into our garage at 16:00.

At any rate, I’ll not complain. I slept in my own bed that night while hundreds slept in O’Hare Airport. I’m not sure but we might’ve been on the last flight that managed to leave Chicago for the next few days.airport selfie

 

 

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